ergo – ego

I think it’s only human to want to make sense of things.  To have that internal discussion about the meaning of what’s going on, and what can be learned from it.

Well that’s what I do anyway.

And the things that keep coming back into my life, over and over, are situations where I struggle with ego.  With someones bad behaviour and the way it reflects on me.

On whether I should have/could have/will do anything differently if and when it happens again – because you know there’s always someone who wants to step on you.

Or do they?

Of course, some weeks go by easily with no feelings of ‘erk’ about our species as a whole – where the sun is shining, or the rain is falling and all feels right with the world.  When someone might say ‘you know, this happened today‘ and I can honestly say  ‘well it doesn’t matter – it’s how you are affected by it that is the important thing.  It’s not important – don’t make it important.’

And other weeks where it feels everyone is looking to leverage off another set of shoulders and it would be much more convenient if it was possible to just stand still and let that happen.  Which would be alright if it wasn’t so belittling.  The question that is asked by all of us at those times is – is there something in me that makes them feel it’s OK to do that?

I have as healthy an ego as anyone.  I like being told that I’ve done something well, that I’ve changed someones mind about something or made a difference in some way.

Over the years  I have struggled with the egos of others.  And wondered, for myself, what lesson is there to be learned.  Is it acceptance?  Tolerance?  To fight?  To stick up for myself.  Frankly I’ve had enough of it.
I’m not on the earth to punish or praise.  I’m just here to be – and offer a cup of tea sometimes.  And you know – I think that should be enough for any of us.

And yet it’s a challenge isn’t it – living with ego.  To let it go completely is a very difficult thing.  To feed it is dangerous.

And to feed someone else’s can feel very dangerous, because it’s a hungry beast the ego.  Insatiable, unless disengaged with, and in my opinion, it’s those that don’t engage with theirs that need to the most.

Or is that just my own hungry beast talking?

 

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